Identity, Experience, and the Brain: Why Chasing Things (or Thoughts) Leaves Us Lost
From Chaos to Coherence: My Story
At two years old, my biological mother set a hotel room on fire. Violence, addiction, and chaos followed me through childhood. I left school with no GCSEs, lost and searching for meaning. For years, I drifted, no qualifications, no clear sense of self, just a gnawing feeling that I was not enough. Fast forward: I am a PhD researcher in behavioural psychology, founder of E.P.I.C. Psychology, and living evidence that identity is not fixed; it is built, rebuilt, and sometimes completely transformed.
Identity is a Brain Function, Not a Shopping List
We often think of identity as something we have, a collection of things, titles, or even thoughts. But the truth is far more complex. The brain, as Rachel Barr (2023) writes, is "an organ that absorbs information indiscriminately, seeking patterns to construct a sense of self." Our sense of who we are is not something we simply decide. It is the result of neural wiring, shaped by what we repeatedly do, not what we buy or fleetingly think (Barr, 2023).
This is both liberating and daunting. On one hand, it means you are not trapped by your past or by how others see you. On the other, it means you cannot shortcut your way to a true sense of self. Identity is not a shopping list. It is a living, breathing process.
The Hunter's Tooth vs. the Expensive Watch
Consider our ancestors: a tooth on a necklace was not just decoration. It signified hours of hunting, danger, and skill, a lived story. The brain's medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) and anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) use these repeated experiences to build a coherent identity (Northoff & Bermpohl, 2004). When you look at that tooth, you remember the cold, the hunger, the patience, and the triumph. Your brain ties the object to the story, and the story to your sense of self.
Now, swap the tooth for a £10,000 watch. The watch may signal status, but unless it is earned through genuine effort, it lacks the deep experiential reinforcement. Research shows that when possessions do not match lived experience, the mPFC and ACC struggle to create a stable identity narrative, leading to cognitive dissonance and confusion (Kross & Grossmann, 2012). The watch becomes a mask, not a mirror. It may impress others, but it leaves you feeling hollow.
Modern Examples: Earned vs. Acquired Identity
Earned: A marathon finisher's medal, evidence of months of training, pain, and growth. Each glance at the medal reinforces the identity of a runner.
Acquired: Designer trainers bought on credit, no story, no sweat, just a symbol. The brain cannot anchor identity to the trainers, so the sense of self feels hollow.
Earned: A degree or qualification achieved after years of study and sacrifice. The certificate is a symbol, but the identity comes from the journey.
Acquired: A job title assumed without the experience to back it up. Imposter syndrome creeps in because the brain knows the story is incomplete.
The Negatives of Forming Identity Around Things or Fleeting Thoughts
When we base our identity on things, possessions, titles, even surface-level achievements—we become fragile. The loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or a change in fashion can leave us feeling lost. This is the dark side of identity confusion: anxiety, low self-esteem, and a constant need for external validation. If your sense of self depends on something outside you, it can be taken away in an instant.
Identifying with thoughts is just as dangerous. Thoughts arise and pass, often contradictory or influenced by mood, fatigue, or even what you ate for breakfast. Neuroscience suggests that identifying with transient thoughts can trigger the same confusion as chasing possessions, because the brain cannot construct a stable self from chaos (Barr, 2023). You end up chasing the next big idea or the next self-help trend, never quite feeling whole.
The Positives: Building Identity Through Experience
The good news is that identity can be strengthened and transformed through experience. When you commit to something meaningful, whether it is running, learning, building a business, or helping others, your brain records every small victory and setback. Over time, these experiences become the foundation of a robust, flexible sense of self.
For high performers, this means that real confidence comes not from accolades or status, but from the evidence of your own effort. For procrastinators, it means that identity is not set in stone; every small action is a vote for the person you are becoming.
Why High Performers and Procrastinators Both Get Stuck
Whether you are chasing the next achievement or stuck in cycles of avoidance, the root problem is the same: seeking identity in things or thoughts, not in lived, meaningful experience. High performers can become addicted to external markers of success, losing touch with their own values. Procrastinators may feel trapped by a story of failure, not realising that each new action is a chance to rewrite the narrative.
Thoughts Are Not Identity: Why Identifying With Them Backfires
If we cling to every thought as "who I am", we get lost. Thoughts arise and pass, often contradictory. The brain needs consistency and evidence to build a stable self. When we identify with every passing thought or mood, we create internal noise and confusion. Instead, we can learn to observe thoughts, question them, and act in line with our chosen values.
Rewiring Identity: Evidence-Based Interventions
At E.P.I.C. Psychology, we use interventions like cognitive restructuring, metacognitive labelling, and behavioural experiments. These techniques help you build a sense of self grounded in real action and measurable change, not just ideas or objects. For example, cognitive restructuring helps you challenge unhelpful beliefs, while behavioural experiments provide the evidence your brain needs to update its story. Metacognitive labelling allows you to notice thoughts without becoming them, creating space for choice.
Changing Your Identity: Practical Steps
Reflect on Your Story: Where does your current sense of self come from? What experiences have shaped you?
Choose Meaningful Action: Pick one small thing you can do today that reflects the person you want to become.
Track Your Progress: Keep a journal or use daily metrics. Notice how your actions, not your possessions or fleeting thoughts, shape your identity.
Challenge Old Beliefs: Use evidence-based tools to rewrite the stories that no longer serve you.
Connect With Others: Share your journey. Identity is also shaped by community and feedback.
Final Word: Experience is the Only Evidence
Identity is not bought or imagined. It is built, one experience at a time. Want to feel like a runner? Run. Want to be resilient? Face adversity and reflect. The brain will do the rest if you give it evidence. You are not your possessions, your job title, or your thoughts. You are the sum of your actions, choices, and the stories you choose to build.
References
Barr, R. (2023). How to Make Your Brain Your Best Friend. Penguin Life.
Kross, E., & Grossmann, I. (2012). Boosting wisdom: Distance from the self enhances wise reasoning, attitudes, and behaviour. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 141(1), 43–48.
Northoff, G., & Bermpohl, F. (2004). Cortical midline structures and the self. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8(3), 102–107.
